Led Zeppelin was incredible. They also sucked.
Both statements are true.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame shouldn’t exist, but Zeppelin’s 1995 induction should have warranted an entire wing. Few bands loom larger in rock history.
And yet, their overblown, ego-drunk rock-god shtick was so absurd it practically begged for backlash. Entire punk movements found purpose in rebelling against Zeppelin’s excess, along with other self-indulgent rock bands of that era.
So, let me tell ya why Zeppelin actually sucks …
Every riff was stolen
If you’ve ever thought, “Wow, that’s a killer riff!” while listening to Zep, you’ve just complimented some poor Mississippi bluesman who died broke while Jimmy Page was out shopping for his third castle.
Zeppelin’s entire catalog is basically an elaborate museum heist. They strolled into American blues, grabbed the best artifacts, slapped a British accent on them, and sold them back to you for triple the price.
Plenty of bands did this, including the Rolling Stones, but I tend to think Zeppelin was the most shameless of them all about it.
They all had a weird Tolkien fetish
Robert Plant couldn’t write a lyric without cramming in at least one “misty mountain,” “gollum,” or an allusion to an elf maiden he fantasized about.
At a certain point, Zeppelin stopped being a rock band and just became a Middle-earth fan-fiction circle with better hair. If Plant had been born 30 years later, he wouldn’t be a rock god, he’d be moderating a Lord of the Rings subreddit and arguing about whether Balrogs have wings.
They preferred debauchery over music
Zeppelin didn’t even like music that much. The songs were just the ticket in. What they truly worshiped was excess and depravity as an art form.
For every hour in the studio, there were ten spent on the hedonist treadmill, chasing highs, bodies, and whatever dark thrill was next. Whole books could be written about what they did, and it still wouldn’t capture it all.
Yes, the riffs are legendary, the anthems immortal. But the real legend of Zeppelin is mud sharks in hotel rooms, pursuing underage girls, and a trail of debauchery that makes even their loudest guitars sound tame.
In that sense, they were perhaps the ultimate dealers of the sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll ethos. Which, sure, sounds thrilling, but step back for a second, and it’s actually kind of pathetic.
Jimmy Page summoned boring demons
Jimmy Page dabbled in Aleister Crowley’s occult nonsense. He bought the man’s old house, scribbled symbols on his amps, and dressed like a wizard who got kicked out of Comic-Con.
You’d think with all that black magic, he’d at least conjure up some Lovecraftian horror, a portal to hell, or, bare minimum, a goat-headed apparition demanding blood sacrifice.
But no.
The only thing Page ever managed to summon was a 25-minute live version of “No Quarter,” which is somehow scarier than Satan because it never, ever ends.
It’s as if he attempted to hex the audience, but instead, he only managed to curse them with terminal boredom. Imagine dragging Satan into our realm just so he can sit through Page noodling on a violin bow for twelve minutes straight. Even the devil would check his watch and say, “Alright, mate, wrap it up.”
Most people outgrow Zeppelin
Most of their fans are just teenagers anyway. Zeppelin is like a rite of passage somewhere between your first zit and losing your virginity.
Everyone goes through a phase where they listen to Zep obsessively from about sixth grade until high school graduation. Then you toss the posters in the trash with your senior yearbook and move on to better things.
My theory is that the only adults still clinging to Zeppelin are either high school dropouts or guys who peaked at prom night.
Everyone else who was smart enough to keep learning realized pretty quickly that Zeppelin is training wheels rock: impressive when you’re 15, embarrassing once you realize there’s life beyond classic rock radio.
‘Stairway to Heaven’ actually sucks
It’s not mystical, it’s not profound. It’s a 7th-grade poetry assignment written by a kid who just discovered rhyming couplets and incense.
Some act like it’s the holy scripture of rock, but really it’s just a long-winded PSA about buying too much crap at the Renaissance Faire.
And let’s be real: no one enjoys listening to “Stairway” anymore.
It’s on every boomer radio countdown and every wedding reception where Karen insists it’ll be “so romantic” to walk down the aisle while Robert Plant shrieks about hedgerows.
Black Sabbath was better
You know it, I know it, your grandma knows it.
Sabbath wrote riffs that leveled city blocks, songs that actually scared parents, and they didn’t waste anyone’s time with fan fiction about elves.
While Zeppelin was busy LARPing as Middle-earth minstrels, Sabbath was inventing an entire genre by accident: doom, stoner, sludge, basically everything worth cranking loud.
Zeppelin gave us “The Battle of Evermore,” which sounds like a D&D campaign scored on a lute. Sabbath gave us “War Pigs,” which sounds like the actual end of civilization. One band summoned hobbits in their lyrics. The other summoned Satan in real life.
Which one sounds cooler?
**
Sure, Zeppelin sold out stadiums, but so does Monster Jam, and at least monster trucks don’t pretend to be profound.
The truth is, Zeppelin was never the Stairway to Heaven. They were the elevator music to hell, just louder and with more dragon references.
Every now and then, I’ll put on Physical Graffiti, and it blows me away. Zeppelin could be transcendent, no question.
But admit it. Deep down, you know the truth: they also sucked.
Hate mail for this post can be sent to Nick at thirdeyepsychrock@gmail.com
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